A Necessary Pause

Now that I’ve had the conversations with family and friends, and I have a treatment plan (or at least a vague idea of one), I can let folks more widely know what’s going on with me.

In August, I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. My oncologist keeps repeating the phrase, “it didn’t get there overnight.” They think the gigantic tumour on my kidney has been growing for at least five years, possibly longer – they’ll never really know.

I’ve been unusually sick this entire year. Since January, I’ve been bedridden with a cold or flu for at least two weeks out of every month, except for April and May. I never stopped masking up when I am in public, but I have two kids in elementary school and unfortunately, they are my most likely vector for infection. At least now I know why? Apparently my immune system has been distracted by this tumour, so I catch everything.

I am more exhausted than I have ever been in my life. I wake up with an extremely finite amount of energy, and that’s all there is. I mostly lay in bed, and drink bottles of Ensure, because I’ve lost at least twenty pounds and I struggle to eat anything at all. The tumour is siphoning away my nutrients, and sapping my strength.

It… feels like bad timing. My family doesn’t agree, but I feel really guilty about not going on longterm disability with the university rather than resigning to be a freelancer. I would have at least kept my insurance, including some that would have helped us out because of this diagnosis. On the other hand, as my family keeps rightly pointing out, I was so horribly burned out, and the process to remain on disability leave was deliberately stressful and taxing. The university doctors insisted I just had a mood disorder and weren’t really pursuing any physical investigations. I got a new doctor, and he found this cancer within a few months. For all I know, if I had stayed with the university, I’d still be in the dark, and with a much bleaker chance of survival. But I am terrified about not being able to keep financially supporting my family.

Sigh.

Anyway, if you’ve reached out to me with an ask and I haven’t responded, this is why I dropped off the face of the earth. I’ve had to cancel all my talks and appearances, I’m saying no to everything, and I’ve paused my online Cree development work, as well as my writing. I am isolating at home right now, because I caught yet another respiratory infection and I need to recover and NOT get sick again, or it will interfere with my treatment. I’ve had to ask people not to visit for now.

Over the years I’ve been terrible at slowing down, at saying no. Well, my body has given me no choice this time. I literally cannot do anything but hope I get surgery as soon as possible.

I can confidently say these last two months have been the absolute worst of my life – and I’ve been through some things. The existential fear of leaving my family has drawn out the moments to an unbearable length. I feel like I’ve aged years with worry. I’m still in limbo, no treatment dates set yet, but I’m told that things are moving quickly. It doesn’t feel that way.

I have never been so pumped to have a major surgery, I swear. I cannot wait to have this kidney and tumour yanked out so I can get on to the next stage of treatment! Until then, I’m going to remain MIA.